Under The Tuscan Sun
Diane Lane (“Unfaithful”) sheds her sex pot appeal in this ludicrous romantic something-or-another about a recently divorced San Francisco native who takes a vacation to Tuscany, Italy and ends up buying a 300-year-old villa and trying to charm the birds from the trees. Director/producer/screenwriter Audrey Wells confirms the theory that all movies born in San Francisco are dogs, as she takes a kitchen sink approach to the movie. Idiotic references to Fellini blend with insufferable banality as Frances (Lane) intones voiceover platitudes that mainly begin with “There comes a time when.” “Under The Tuscan Sun” is a romantic abomination wherein the main character’s best friend is a pregnant Asian lesbian who comes to Italy to visit, and ends up ruining the story’s only semi-romantic aspect and extends its painful length for an extra half-hour in the process.
Rated PG-13. 113 mins. (D-) (Zero Stars)