The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Kristen Stewart's Bella Swan "needs to get some protein in her," but the 109-year-old vampire object of her moody affections (Robert Pattinson's Edward Cullen) doesn't want her "to come with him"--to the vampire world that is. It's this kind of not-so-subtle innuendo that vaguely maps out an interminable and poorly edited film that's further damned by its strictly 20th century use of CGI effects. For a story that pretends to celebrate unrequited love, there are enough pregnant pauses in every actor's similarly pained delivery to make you think the script was the result of artificial literary insemination. So much screen time is spent on shirtless gym-body boys that the intent of the filmmakers seems to be in establishing "impotent beefcake" as a new subgenre for its target audience of traditionally horse-obsessed tween girls. With the unwavering tempo of a dirge, director Chris Weitz ("The Golden Compass") drags out every soft soap plot point as if digging his own abysmal filmic grave with a teaspoon. Bella doesn't so much sulk about her absent boyfriend as substitute a degenerate of a different "monster" stripe in the guise of Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), a werewolf dude with ripped abs. For easily impressed audiences that equate big lowest-common-denominator box office receipts with quality, here is a perfect movie for them to constantly check their cell phones as they sit in the dark because there's nothing to miss while they're distracted with talking, texting, and checking the time.

Rated PG-13. 130 mins. (D-) (Zero Stars)