GLASS ONION: A KNIVES OUT MYSTERY

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Proof that filmmaking is a thing of the past, "Glass Onion" is a tone-deaf crime comedy whose overblown budget would have been better spent on New York City's infrastructure.

Memo to Rian Johnson, nobody in their right mind gives a flying fuck in a rolling doughnut about your little Elon Musk-styled billionaires pretending, or not pretending, to rule the world by playing stupid games.

Pointless.

There's no "mystery" here.

Not funny or entertaining.

Daniel Craig must just be cashing in his chips before retiring.

Good on him and goodbye if that's the case.

"Glass Onion" isn't a movie; it's a product.

However, you can't eat it, you can't buy anything with it, and you can't watch it with any enthusiasm.

Bored rich people breaking things, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's not "a Rian Johnson Whodunnit," it's "a Rian Johnson Why'd You Bother?"

Rated PG-13. 139 mins.

ZERO STARS

WHITE NOISE

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"White Noise" is the worst fucking movie I've ever seen.

This dog makes "Plan 9 From Outer Space" seem like a masterpiece by comparison.

As tempting as it might be to point fingers at Don Delillo, whose novel the film is based; director Noah Baumbach deserves the punishment.

The time has come for Noah Baumbach to hang up his director's hat for the last time.

If you desire funny social satire, I suggest you check out last year's "Don't Look Up."

It's a topical satire that runs circles around "White Noise."

Worse than the fear of death that permeates this film's overriding theme, is the fear that you waste precious hours of life watching it.

Some easily pleased audiences may find bizarre comfort in "White Noise's" vomit-inducing color palette.

Hard to believe though that any audience could find a shred of pleasure from Noah Baumbach's unwatchable miasma of misery.

Adam Driver has worn out his welcome. It may already be too late for Driver to crawl on his hands and knees to beg forgiveness from Jim Jarmusch ("Paterson"), but that's what he should do.

Don Cheadle may come out unscathed, but only just barely.

"White Noise" is cinematic hell.

Rated R. 136 mins.

ZERO STARS

RUSHMORE — THE CRITERION COLLECTION

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Before Wes Anderson became a pale imitation of himself, he made a splashy sophomore comedy with punch.

Anderson's attention to meta/micro details gets filtered through an up-tempo youthful comic tone that flies in the face of adult romance.

Jason Schwartzman is Max Fischer, Anderson''s hilarious spoof on Dustin Hoffman's character in "The Graduate."

Bill Murray does an early version of the Bill Murray he would become, while indulging in laugh-inducing slap-stick bits.

Precocious but not precious, "Rushmore" is heavy-hearted comedy with a light touch.

Here is an over-achiever's paradise.

Funny stuff.

Rated R. 93 mins.