CRIMES OF THE FUTURE — CANNES 2022

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Cronenberg, you’re no Cronenberg.

What a fool.

What an embarrassment. 

Juvenile, gratuitous, and dumb-as-a-stump, David Cronenberg’s latest film must be his last.

This dystopic steampunk, sci-fi, body horror snooze fest is an unforgivable sin.

What a fucking mess.

Here is a textbook example of how not to do satire.

There’s some literal bologna about a performance art duo (Viggo Mortensen & Léa Seydoux) busy growing extra organs inside Viggo’s messed up insides. The pair perform public (underground) surgeries to extract said organs.

Oh so gross, but no blood.

Whoopie shit.

Whiffs of “Videodrome” collide with traces of “Alien,” and smells of “Brazil,” so the whole thing stinks.

Save your money and your time.

The biggest dingus at Cannes.

Give up on David Cronenberg, and tell him I sent you.

Give me Jarmusch all day over this shite.

I expect better from Cannes — much better.

Rated R. 107 mins. 

ZERO STARS

DUNE

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A dishwater war narrative masquerading as sci-fi.

Pshaw.

Oh the battles fought in a desert.

Sound familiar Americans?

So much sand.

So much capitalism. 

"It Begins."

However there is no reason to believe that the filmmakers will finish what they started with this first installment in an ostensible "Dune" series of films.

As is Hollywood's way, they always promise something they never intend to deliver.

Some people are fooled into believing that because Denis Villeneuve is French, he must be some great director. 

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Look at "Blade Runner 2049." 

What a joke.

"Dune" is a fine thing to have projected on your wall (without sound) to add atmosphere to a party, but you couldn't call it much of a movie. 

Rated PG-13. 155 mins.

SWAN SONG

Groupthink doesn't live here, critical thought does.

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Just as half-baked as its unfinished poster promises.

Newbie writer/director Benjamin Cleary gets in over his head trying to break into features with this limp sci-fi lite.

Mahershala Ali gets hung out to dry as a dying man who opts to have a clone take over his life to spare his family's pain.

The winds of drama barely blow in this film's near future.

It could be a good movie to nap to.

Oops. Drool.

Rated R. 112 mins. 

ZERO STARS