WHITE NOISE

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"White Noise" is the worst fucking movie I've ever seen.

This dog makes "Plan 9 From Outer Space" seem like a masterpiece by comparison.

As tempting as it might be to point fingers at Don Delillo, whose novel the film is based; director Noah Baumbach deserves the punishment.

The time has come for Noah Baumbach to hang up his director's hat for the last time.

If you desire funny social satire, I suggest you check out last year's "Don't Look Up."

It's a topical satire that runs circles around "White Noise."

Worse than the fear of death that permeates this film's overriding theme, is the fear that you waste precious hours of life watching it.

Some easily pleased audiences may find bizarre comfort in "White Noise's" vomit-inducing color palette.

Hard to believe though that any audience could find a shred of pleasure from Noah Baumbach's unwatchable miasma of misery.

Adam Driver has worn out his welcome. It may already be too late for Driver to crawl on his hands and knees to beg forgiveness from Jim Jarmusch ("Paterson"), but that's what he should do.

Don Cheadle may come out unscathed, but only just barely.

"White Noise" is cinematic hell.

Rated R. 136 mins.

ZERO STARS

BARDO: FALSE CHRONICLE OF A HANDFUL OF TRUTHS

Groupthink doesn't live here, critical thought does.

Welcome!

This ad-free website is dedicated to Agnès Varda and to Luis Buñuel.

Get cool rewards when you click on the button to pledge your support through Patreon.

Thanks a lot acorns!

Your kind generosity keeps the reviews coming!

Condescending, emotionally flat, and narcissistic beyond all unreasonable common sense, Alejandro González Iñárritu’s Fellini rip-off is a flop.

Utter impotence.

Such gross self-indulgence comes at a price.

If I never see another Alejandro González Iñárritu film, that’s fine by me.

Done.

Wikipedia calls it an "epic black comedy drama." I call it cinematic noise.

Rich, spoiled Mexican journalist cum filmmaker now living in L.A. has an existential crisis — they used to call it a nervous breakdown — while visiting his people in Mexico.

Yawn.

Alejandro González Iñárritu is a disappointment.

Iñárritu doesn't have half of the talent he imagines he has.

Sad. Really sad.

If only the price of this film had been donated to proper charities in Mexico, the money could have been responsibly spent.

If you want to see a master filmmaker working in Mexico during the time that he lived there, I strongly recommend you check out any and everything by Luis Buñuel.

Then, if you want to see Fellini's masterful "epic" social satire that Alejandro González Iñárritu copiously copied to make his pale imitation, then get thee to "8 1/2" as soon as humanly possible.

Rated R. 159 mins.

ZERO STARS

CRIMES OF THE FUTURE — CANNES 2022

Groupthink doesn't live here, critical thought does.

This ad-free website is dedicated to Agnès Varda and to Luis Buñuel.

Get cool rewards when you click on the button to pledge your support through Patreon. Thanks a lot pal! Your generosity keeps the reviews coming!

 

Cronenberg, you’re no Cronenberg.

What a fool.

What an embarrassment. 

Juvenile, gratuitous, and dumb-as-a-stump, David Cronenberg’s latest film must be his last.

This dystopic steampunk, sci-fi, body horror snooze fest is an unforgivable sin.

What a fucking mess.

Here is a textbook example of how not to do satire.

There’s some literal bologna about a performance art duo (Viggo Mortensen & Léa Seydoux) busy growing extra organs inside Viggo’s messed up insides. The pair perform public (underground) surgeries to extract said organs.

Oh so gross, but no blood.

Whoopie shit.

Whiffs of “Videodrome” collide with traces of “Alien,” and smells of “Brazil,” so the whole thing stinks.

Save your money and your time.

The biggest dingus at Cannes.

Give up on David Cronenberg, and tell him I sent you.

Give me Jarmusch all day over this shite.

I expect better from Cannes — much better.

Rated R. 107 mins. 

ZERO STARS