BLACK BAG

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If ever there was a movie seemingly written by A.I. "Black Bag" is it.

Generation Jones screenwriter David Koepp ("Spider-Man" - 2002) is the culprit, but there are no clean hands on this cobbled together spy thriller.

Overly complicated and tinged with brief spurts of humor, "Black Bag" is a puzzle that falls apart like a sack of disconnected Lego pieces. This thing rattles and hurts.

Something awful has happened to Michael Fassbender. Not that Fassbender ever had much big-screen charm to begin with, but here he inhabits a negative space usually reserved for folks living in a senior care facility. Fassbender seems to be channeling the late Pier Paolo Pasolini, and it ain't pretty or even functional.

Fassbender's obnoxious British spy character George Woodhouse is married to Cate Blanchett's nearly-as-unattractive UK agent Kathryn St. Jean. I know what you're thinking, how clever to have married spies pit against each other.

Well, David Koepp was certainly in love with the idea.

Kathryn's covert activities raise hackles of suspicion for George, who has a habit of drugging co-worker dinner guests with truth serum in order to extract facts that would otherwise be left to the "Black Bag," a spy term for secrets-never-to-be-revealed.

Yawning all of the time now.

An utter lack of likable, empathetic, or even knowable characters, doom the movie to be little more than a 93-minute distraction from any other mean-spirited interaction you're likely to have on a New York City street.

As disappointing as it is to see Cate Blanchett in such a diminished role, it's some consolation to know that Pierce Brosnan got a payday out of it all.

Steven Soderbergh is no David Fincher, and David Koepp is no Tony Gilroy.

March is rarely a good month for the movies. Here's your proof.

Rated R. 93 mins.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE — DEAD RECKONING PART ONE

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How the mighty have slipped.

"Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One" doesn't bode well for "Part Two."

With more plot holes than a colander, "Dead Reckoning" blows its bloated budget with a seemingly AI generated script that constantly repeats itself, as if to put a fine point on its manifold shortcomings.

Spectacle replaces storytelling.

This film's budget could have fed the people of Nicaragua for a couple of years.

So much for Nicaragua.

An extended pre-credit submarine sequence lays the groundwork for a silly McGuffin involving a pair of fancy keys that, when locked together, enable entry to an advanced AI system that threatens to take control of all humanity before you can sneeze.

Tricky mask disguises pulled from the original '60s era television series, that gave the movie franchise its basis, make for some fun character reversals.

Entertaining too are good old fashioned suspense sequences involving car chases, and a speeding Orient Express train that experiences serious problems with gravity involving a missing bridge.

Watch out for falling pianos.

Tom Cruise's Ethan Hunt doesn't interact in person with his team much. He's too busy running a maze of plot points that necessarily involve jumping, flying, and falling.

"Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One" is a fine excuse to sit in an air conditioned movie theater for a few hours in the midst of summer, but it's not as good as any of the franchise's predecessors.

Hopefully, the filmmakers have already shot part two of "Dead Reckoning" because Tom Cruise doesn't look like he'll have enough gas in the tank for anymore additions to this flailing spy thriller franchise.

Baked, battered, and fried; stick a fork in it. It's all uphill from here.

Rated PG-13. 163 mins.

 

GOLDFINGER — CLASSIC FILM PICK

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It took until the third installment of the Ian Fleming-based James Bond spy movie franchise for its identity to crystallize.

Following on the successful heels of “Dr. No” (1962) and “From Russia with Love” (1963) — both directed by Terence Young, Sean Connery’s early mentor for the urbane leading role — “Goldfinger” marked a significant upgrade in production values that would make everything about the franchise iconic. Female characters would be sexier and more dangerous, yet also more likely to die.

“Goldfinger’s” introduction of Pussy Galore (played by Honor Blackman) sent a powerful signal. Exotic set pieces would be epic in scale. The series’ signature nuanced tone, straddling dualities such as dry humor and outrageous danger, would be more pronounced.

John Barry’s unforgettable theme, sung by the incomparable Shirley Bassey, created a longstanding tradition of James Bond theme songs becoming chart-topping hits.

Budgeted at more than the cost of the first two films combined, “Goldfinger” launched the ritual of beginning each subsequent Bond film with a stand-alone mission sequence for the fictional British MI6 agent, known by his code number 007, to show off his stuff.

Other customs followed. An assignment meeting with British Secret Service head M allows for the otherwise autonomous Mr. Bond to have his feathers clipped while being informed of his latest mission. A little office flirtation with M’s secretary Ms. Moneypenny segues into a meeting with resident gadget master Q, who gets Bond up to speed on the state-of-the-art devices that the audience can expect to see employed throughout the movie.

It’s not every spy that can arrive on an island in a wet suit, blow up a South American drug lab, strip down to a white tux, and seduce a villainess who must be sacrificed to save his own skin — all without breaking a sweat, as Bond does in “Goldfinger.”

Yet every man wants to be James Bond, and every woman wants to be with a guy as capable, confident, and handsome as Sean Connery. The Scottish actor made such an indelible impression in the role that most audiences still consider Connery’s portrayal to be the truest filmic embodiment of the James Bond character to command the big screen.

A pay dispute between Terrence Young and the franchise’s notoriously selfish producers (Albert R. Broccoli and Harry Saltzman) opened the door for French-born English director Guy Hamilton to helm “Goldfinger,” a story based on Ian Flemming’s seventh novel in his 16-story James Bond series.

007’s mission is to foil international gold smuggler Auric Goldfinger (‪Gert Fröbe‬). The treacherous villain uses a trafficking technique later employed by the real-life heroin smugglers represented in William Friedkin’s “The French Connection” (whereby illicit goods are stashed in the body of a large car).

Goldfinger’s plan to rob the United States Bullion Depository at Fort Knox arrives at Bond’s eavesdropping ear in an outrageous set piece of exposition wherein the German mastermind enlightens the heads of America’s regional Mafias before killing them via poison gas. The not-so-subtle nod to Hitler was not lost on audiences at the time.

“Goldfinger” set in stone the formula for what would become cinema’s longest running and most reliably entertaining franchise. Regardless of how many installments have come since, “Goldfinger” retains its reputation as the best of the bunch.

Rated PG. 110 mins.