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Everybody knows sequels suck. But if you’re the father of an 11-year-old son, there is no way you’re getting out of seeing this PG-13 movie.
Sadly, “Zoolander 2” is an example of what has become a Hollywood bread-and-butter picture. No matter how reliably awful they are, sequels turn a profit.
The problem is that “Zoolander 2” sucks so much worse than your average mediocre sequel that you don’t even feel like you’ve seen a movie.
Inert, hollow, and void of all but the thinnest plotline, “Zoolander 2” is similar to drinking dirty dish water with grenadine and a few cherries tossed in to make it look colorful if nothing else; indeed, there is nothing else. It might look almost drinkable, but the taste will make you spit it out.
The comedy (or posing, in this case) provokes intermittent chuckles that wane as the unmotivated cartoon characters pose in whatever goofy setting that was available on the day of shooting. A blink-and-you-miss-it sight gag involving Derek Zoolander’s boner is as good as the humor gets — brief and small.
A silly espionage plot involving the Prime Minister of Malaysia drove the first Zoolander installment 15 years before this travesty was made. This time around, reuniting with his long lost (and overweight) son Derek Jr. (Cyrus Arnold) is the primary motivation, if you don’t count an obtuse subplot about Mugatu (played in a few scenes by Will Ferrell). Mugatu believes he has discovered the secret to eternal youth, but the film’s convention of screenwriters can’t be bothered to see beyond the glitter in their navels.
A whiff of a subplot (featuring cameos by Tommy Hilfiger, Marc Jacobs, and Anna Wintour) comes across so comically flat that it's an embarrassment to the fashion industry.
Since neither actor seems capable of getting a laugh, it’s probably time for Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson to retire or at least take a lengthy break from making movies. At this point neither actor seems able to make a decent movie. I don’t know how much worse they could do than “Zoolander 2,” but I don’t want to find out.
Rated PG-13. 100 mins.
ZERO STARS
